MURDER: THE FINAL FRONTIER written by Scott Cherney excerpt
DEWEY: It was the second half of the 20th century. American television audiences witnessed for the very first time the debut of a new dramatic program unlike any they had ever seen before. It was a show too big to contain on the small screen for its imagination, ideas and sense of wonder encompassed an entire galaxy. This was…STAR TRUCK! From The imagination of visionary Dean Roddenreel, STAR TRUCK chronicled the adventures of the first interstellar mail, package and freight delivery system with its flagship, the star truck Innerthighs, the crown jewel of the fleet. Spanning the solar system with its cargo, the crew of the Innerthighs consisted of first officer Mr. Spark-half-man, half-alien, half-robot, Chief Engineer Spot, hailing from a distant dog star, ship’s physician Dr. McBoytoy with his assistant, Nurse Church and many others. And at the helm, Captain James Tyrannosaurus Kork.
CHADWICK; (Voice-over) Space…the very last place….these are the voyages of the star truck Innerthighs. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds with a full load of freight, to seek out new life and civilizations, then have them sign for their packages, to boldly deliver mail where no mail has gone before!
DEWEY: Ladies and gentlemen, fanboys and fangirls and Truckees of all ages…I give to you the cast of STARTRUCK! First up, the grande dame of the STAR TRUCK universe, beloved wife of founding father Dean Roddenreel , Nurse Church herself…Jean Roddenreel!
JEAN enters, wearing her STAR TRUCK uniform and bows to the crowd.
DEWEY: Next up, he man forever known as first officer of the star truck Innerthighs-direct from the planet Voltron, Mr. Spark, I give you Mr. Leon Portnoy!
LEON enters in costume, gives the Voltron salute, kind of an inverted okay sign.
DEWEY: And last but certainly not least, for the first time ever at any STAR TRUCK convention, it is my honor to present to you, my hero, your hero, Captain of the Star Truck Innerthighs… Captain James Tyrannosaurus Kork…Mr. Wilson Chadwick!
CHADWICK enters as though he stepped onto a Las Vegas stage, posing and executing some Elvis-style karate moves and kicks.
JEAN: How gauche.
LEON: And so soon after dinner.
CHADWICK appears a bit dizzy and grabs his chest. DEWEY is there to catch him.
DEWEY: Are you alright, sir?
CHADWICK: Whoa. Good reflexes, Dewgood. Thanks for the save. That little number did a little number on me. My pacemaker went into warp drive. (takes a deep breath) Okay. All better now.
LEON: What a pity.
DEWEY: On behalf of everyone here and to all your fans around the world, I thank you for being here and thank you for, well, just being.
JEAN: You’re very welcome, Dagwood.
DEWEY: No, it…doesn’t matter. And of course you know… (indicating CHADWICK)
JEAN: (feigning ignorance) Have we met?
CHADWICK: Jean! It’s me!
JEAN: I’m sorry. I’m so bad with faces. Are you a fan of the show?
CHADWICK: Only the lead actor. He’s very good.
JEAN: You resemble Wilson Chadwick, but that just couldn’t be. Wilson Chadwick wouldn’t let himself go in such a dreadful fashion.
CHADWICK: Same old Jean.
JEAN: What do you mean “Old Jean”?
CHADWICK: Pish-posh, turtle dove. You haven’t aged a day.
JEAN: But you have…like cheese.
CHADWICK: (laughs uproariously) What a delight! I’ve missed you so. And Leon! How are you, my old friend?
LEON: (coldly) Mr. Chadwick.
CHADWICK: Mr. Chadwick? Why so formal? What happened to Will? Or Sonny? Or Chad? Or Wicky?
LEON: The answer is blowing in the wind.
CHADWICK: Still carrying a grudge after all this time?
LEON: With a forklift.
CHADWICK: Boo-hoo to you, too. This is a fine how do you do. Who else are you dragging out here, Dewgood? James Doohickey? George Tacky? That Russian kid…what was his name?
LEON: Regrettably not. They all hate and despise you, enough not to be in the same room with you again.
CHADWICK: What about DeForrest Tucker? Surely he was my friend until the end.
LEON: His dying words were: Tell Wilson Chadwick he should have gone first.
CHADWICK: Oh well. Here today, gone tomorrow. Not much of a reunion, is it?
DEWEY: When did you all last see each other?
CHADWICK: My gosh, it had to be…was it Dean’s funeral?
JEAN: It most certainly was not! You didn’t bother to attend.
CHADWICK: Oh, right, right. I believe I was out of the country at the time.
LEON: You were across the street from the funeral home. We all saw you walk into a Red Lobster.
CHADWICK: Oh yes! Now I remember. It was All You Can Eat Shrimp Night.
JEAN: You were supposed to deliver the eulogy.
CHADWICK: But I did read Dean’s eulogy.
JEAN: Where?
CHADWICK: At the Red Lobster salad bar. The diners were very moved. Then they ordered more shrimp. So did I. They’re very good.
JEAN: You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You never have and you never will.
CHADWICK: But Jean, it was shrimp! All you can eat.
Copyright 2015 by Scott Cherney
DEWEY: It was the second half of the 20th century. American television audiences witnessed for the very first time the debut of a new dramatic program unlike any they had ever seen before. It was a show too big to contain on the small screen for its imagination, ideas and sense of wonder encompassed an entire galaxy. This was…STAR TRUCK! From The imagination of visionary Dean Roddenreel, STAR TRUCK chronicled the adventures of the first interstellar mail, package and freight delivery system with its flagship, the star truck Innerthighs, the crown jewel of the fleet. Spanning the solar system with its cargo, the crew of the Innerthighs consisted of first officer Mr. Spark-half-man, half-alien, half-robot, Chief Engineer Spot, hailing from a distant dog star, ship’s physician Dr. McBoytoy with his assistant, Nurse Church and many others. And at the helm, Captain James Tyrannosaurus Kork.
CHADWICK; (Voice-over) Space…the very last place….these are the voyages of the star truck Innerthighs. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds with a full load of freight, to seek out new life and civilizations, then have them sign for their packages, to boldly deliver mail where no mail has gone before!
DEWEY: Ladies and gentlemen, fanboys and fangirls and Truckees of all ages…I give to you the cast of STARTRUCK! First up, the grande dame of the STAR TRUCK universe, beloved wife of founding father Dean Roddenreel , Nurse Church herself…Jean Roddenreel!
JEAN enters, wearing her STAR TRUCK uniform and bows to the crowd.
DEWEY: Next up, he man forever known as first officer of the star truck Innerthighs-direct from the planet Voltron, Mr. Spark, I give you Mr. Leon Portnoy!
LEON enters in costume, gives the Voltron salute, kind of an inverted okay sign.
DEWEY: And last but certainly not least, for the first time ever at any STAR TRUCK convention, it is my honor to present to you, my hero, your hero, Captain of the Star Truck Innerthighs… Captain James Tyrannosaurus Kork…Mr. Wilson Chadwick!
CHADWICK enters as though he stepped onto a Las Vegas stage, posing and executing some Elvis-style karate moves and kicks.
JEAN: How gauche.
LEON: And so soon after dinner.
CHADWICK appears a bit dizzy and grabs his chest. DEWEY is there to catch him.
DEWEY: Are you alright, sir?
CHADWICK: Whoa. Good reflexes, Dewgood. Thanks for the save. That little number did a little number on me. My pacemaker went into warp drive. (takes a deep breath) Okay. All better now.
LEON: What a pity.
DEWEY: On behalf of everyone here and to all your fans around the world, I thank you for being here and thank you for, well, just being.
JEAN: You’re very welcome, Dagwood.
DEWEY: No, it…doesn’t matter. And of course you know… (indicating CHADWICK)
JEAN: (feigning ignorance) Have we met?
CHADWICK: Jean! It’s me!
JEAN: I’m sorry. I’m so bad with faces. Are you a fan of the show?
CHADWICK: Only the lead actor. He’s very good.
JEAN: You resemble Wilson Chadwick, but that just couldn’t be. Wilson Chadwick wouldn’t let himself go in such a dreadful fashion.
CHADWICK: Same old Jean.
JEAN: What do you mean “Old Jean”?
CHADWICK: Pish-posh, turtle dove. You haven’t aged a day.
JEAN: But you have…like cheese.
CHADWICK: (laughs uproariously) What a delight! I’ve missed you so. And Leon! How are you, my old friend?
LEON: (coldly) Mr. Chadwick.
CHADWICK: Mr. Chadwick? Why so formal? What happened to Will? Or Sonny? Or Chad? Or Wicky?
LEON: The answer is blowing in the wind.
CHADWICK: Still carrying a grudge after all this time?
LEON: With a forklift.
CHADWICK: Boo-hoo to you, too. This is a fine how do you do. Who else are you dragging out here, Dewgood? James Doohickey? George Tacky? That Russian kid…what was his name?
LEON: Regrettably not. They all hate and despise you, enough not to be in the same room with you again.
CHADWICK: What about DeForrest Tucker? Surely he was my friend until the end.
LEON: His dying words were: Tell Wilson Chadwick he should have gone first.
CHADWICK: Oh well. Here today, gone tomorrow. Not much of a reunion, is it?
DEWEY: When did you all last see each other?
CHADWICK: My gosh, it had to be…was it Dean’s funeral?
JEAN: It most certainly was not! You didn’t bother to attend.
CHADWICK: Oh, right, right. I believe I was out of the country at the time.
LEON: You were across the street from the funeral home. We all saw you walk into a Red Lobster.
CHADWICK: Oh yes! Now I remember. It was All You Can Eat Shrimp Night.
JEAN: You were supposed to deliver the eulogy.
CHADWICK: But I did read Dean’s eulogy.
JEAN: Where?
CHADWICK: At the Red Lobster salad bar. The diners were very moved. Then they ordered more shrimp. So did I. They’re very good.
JEAN: You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You never have and you never will.
CHADWICK: But Jean, it was shrimp! All you can eat.
Copyright 2015 by Scott Cherney